Why do some things affect us so much? So much, it seems like déjà vu, even when the events are unrelated to our actual physical existence; so unconnected it might as well be fiction. This fictional pain seems more real, more palpable than the actual physical pain we inflict on ourselves each passing day.
Even today I feel the twang of pain, the unmistakable sense of helplessness and misery (perhaps even depression), while I know the events are of no significance, not to me and especially not to the person(s) it affects. Even fictional occurrences, such as ones on the silver screen, or those plainly for theatrical pleasures seem live.
Will I ever be rid of this cranial misfiring, something that arouses feelings, sensations and thoughts that I could do without, and more importantly do not belong to me? It may be early days for me to judge, but from the way things are going, I doubt it. I can already sense a re-casting of the ego, re-shaping my personality as I go along these experiences, changing aspects of me that make me vulnerable which will eventually make me numb to these feelings I have now, and which I fear will close me to a world of experiences that I perhaps might have had.
I can’t be certain whether I welcome these changes with open arms, or silently and grudgingly submit to. Whichever it might be, the result is decided though the path remains to be chosen. An attempt to alter the result can only lead to a living through a reality of paranoia and more mental hurt, something I refuse to subject myself knowingly and willingly to. This leads me again, to shut out a whole spectrum of feelings I have still to explore, a plethora of experiences I have been too young to soak in before this which I must forego, for my long term sanity.
Ironically, none of this assures maintenance of sanity, for which I so heavily sacrifice.
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3 comments:
I know exactly what you are talking about. I think I will feel numb after a point, but it only gets worse. But I also think, reliving those experiences gives us perspective.
how do you mean perspective? when even glimpses of those experiences causes unmeasurable pain.
thanks for the comment... cant believe i have to pester you into doing it... :D
Pain gives perspective. At least for me it does.
I will be a regular, you know that :)
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